Escape To Penang Island…

by KV

Quick update: Guitar enthuthiasts listen up! The newly-opened Wisma Bentley Music near The Curve is currently having the holy-crap-are-you-serious Taylor T5 on display. 5 gorgeous versions of them to be exact, retailing from RM9200 to about Rm12000. You heard that right, the Taylor T5, the one guitar that brings balance to the force (almost literally), the Holy Grail of all guitars, & it has arrived in our country! I was so overwhelmed playing the black one (yes, I’ve finally played the T5!) I almost forgot about the rest of the guitars I was surveying over the weekend. At the moment I’m considering the beautiful handcrafted L series from Yamaha, either the 16 or the 6, anyone with an opinion?

Upon arrival in Penang on Friday evening, the 1st thing Alan & I experienced was a reduce in sperm count.

That’s because our chief tour guide, the supreme sifu of the universe (of Penang that is), Chun Yan a.k.a. BBS (don’t ask, it’s an inside joke) plunged us straight into a tour around his internship company, Intel, where the other EE nerds (oops!) San Nien, Debbie, Wai Lun, Suet Yeng, & Gary were working as well. Just by driving around the free trade zone full of electronic companies & factories, I could already feel my balls shrinking by the minute. The group of us then proceeded to meet Chris (& a distant Erica) at Altera, who forced us to wear surgeon caps as shoe covers. Yea, as if a lower sperm count isn’t enough, now we have to walk around the company with bright light blue surgeon caps covering our feet. After laughing at how small Intel’s office cubicles are (kidding!) & at how Penang’s “Silicon Valley” was the biggest gathering of geeks (okay okay…joking also!), except probably that guy who attempted to drop a pen near the feet of Debbie’s mini-skirted legs, we proceeded for dinner at the 1st place anyone would bring Penang visitors to for a big makan…McD! Haha…actually we were rushing for our movie date with Harrison Ford & a couple of crystal skulls, so we were short of time. It was here when, in the midst of chomping dead chicken squashed between sesame seed buns, Debbie decided to replace the word “air” with “ass” in the “No Air” song by Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown. This was then followed by a remixed version of the chorus by San Nien & I:

“Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe shit with no air ass, can’t live shit can’t breathe shit with no air ass…”

That was only the beginning of the fun. We had only a limited time of 2 days to explore whatever we could explore in Penang. So here’s a summary, in pictures.

Oh, Indy was okay-lah. Was fun mostly, minus the horrendous tarzan & monkey scenes & some terrible CGI usage, while the ending was horrendous.

Part I – Penang Hill

First thing Saturday morning, up to Penang Hill!

We couldn’t hike up the hill because Chun Yan injured his leg the day before, so we used the train

While waiting for the train ride, we decided we had time to make stupid faces…

…or to try to smile like San Nien…ended up overdoing it

Tired of making faces, we decided to take a nap…

Before the ride: Alan (circled red) caught having guilty pleasure with 1 of his holes…

…while Chris was pictured molesting a happily willing San Nien (this is a nice natural pic though!)

In the train: All of us. Chris is slightly out of the picture because…

…he was enjoying swinging & dancing around a pole!

A moment of melancholy atop the hill…

I spotted a hot chick!

Hot chick spots a hot guy. Hot guy spotted another hot chick, forgets previous hot chick.

Alan posing like a girl in between Chris & I

Soon Yen will love this picture, but San Nien got really high when she saw this…I wonder why

We guys tried to run away & leave Debbie to rot on top of the hill

Now I know why the air up there didn’t smell as fresh as it should have been!

Before the “thrilling” canopy walk: Debbie’s final smile

After that, she was laughing & crying at the same time…”Don’t SHAKE!!! Scary ah~! Angry ah~!”

It was a relaxing walk for all of us…

Uh, well, apparently not for all of us. One particular person was clinging so hard to the ropes with both hands, as if she was going to miraculously elevate 2 meters up & over the ropes down to the trees below

The man that made it fun & really pushed the canopy to the limits: Chun Yan. His leg miraculously recovered up there. Gawd knows how

He made the whole walk more exciting than it should be. When he leaned to the right, the whole path swayed to the right…even the trees swayed to the right!

So I had to sway to the opposite direction to balance it out…San Nien was 2D, so she couldn’t contribute any weight whatsoever

We stopped by a scenic “Hobbiton” on the way down…

Part I.5 – The “Malaysians Are Friendly” Test

This is something you should all take notice of. When we were in the train going up the hill at first, all in our group were excited (with San Nien singing the Indiana Jones theme at every chance she got) & decided to greet & wave to the other train that passed our train on their way down. Something simple & innocent turned into an experiment when, with all of us waving & saying “Hello!!!” madly to the other passing train, none in that other train responded even in the slightest, passing us by like zombies, even more emotionless than Resident Evil zombies.

We tried the greeting & waving again as we passed our 2nd train on the way up, & we got the same set of zombies response. WTF? What happened to “Malaysians are friendly & warm& all that Visit Malaysia bullshit? Deciding to give all you remaining Malaysian bastards (aside from the extremely-friendly 7 of us in our group of course) another chance, all of us agreed we will repeat our greeting again on the way down. We were going to pass 2 more trains in the opposite direction as we go down, surely, SURELY, someone, at least ONE, would be less of a zombie & greet us back? That person did not come from the 3rd train; all we got were cold & blank stares, looking at us as if we were 7 horny monkeys on drugs. Sick of making excuses for them, like maybe we really looked like horny monkeys on drugs, or that they didn’t have enough time to wave back at us when our 2 trains crossed paths, we concluded that if the 4th train were to fail in this friendliness test, then Malaysians seriously need a massive behavior overhaul, while Badawi has a one extra reason to resign. Only 7 friendly Malaysians in 4 train-loads of people?!

The 4th train appeared within our sights soon enough. Our hearts were beating so fast San Nien forgot how to sing the Indiana Jones theme. Once the train was near enough, all 7 of us hollered our greetings & waved as enthusiastically as we could at them for one last push for the sake of humanity…the people at the other train were hopeless…there goes Malaysia’s reputation…even the kids didn’t bother carving out a smile…the last guy nearest to the window of the opposing train looked like a lansi Ah Beng product straight from Ipoh…gone, there goes our last hope…wait a minute, the Ah Beng bloody smiled! He is raising his hand…bless our horny monkey faces, he waved back at us! AH BENG JUST SAVED MALAYSIA’S BLOODY ASS! Hurrayyyy!

Talk about suspense eh? That idiot just had to leave it to the last second, ah bengs really love to be heroic don’t they? Thus, we concluded that there are only 8 friendly Malaysians from our 4 sample trains: Kevin, Chris, Alan, Chun Yan, Wai Lun, San Nien, Debbie, & our new friend Ah Beng.

Do note that NO part of the above test story was exaggerated & is 100% true.

Part II – Fort Cornwallis

Next stop: Fort Cornwallis. Salute!

The valiant & brave Private Kevin Wong wasted no time in the frontline of the attack on the Fort, blowing Francis Light’s light bulbs off in 1 single shot

He then proceeded to hold defending Private Chris Lee as hostage

But Private Kevin’s fellow invading comrade, the sadistic serial woman-murderer Private Alan Leow, was less merciful, taking pleasure in violently shooting local milk lady Deborah Sim

Private Alan’s chilling crime spree finally came to an end when muscular General BBS blew his brains without showing any mercy. The mad Private Alan was said to be still smiling in a horny way at gunpoint.

But wait! There’s still hope for the women defending the fort! Vowing to take revenge for Deborah the milk lady’s murder, here comes Corporal Lee San Nien! She was famous for being able to invade bullets by cleverly utilizing her slim 2-dimensional appearance.

The invading army responds by sending in the heroic Sergeant Lee Wai Lun, who was famous for distracting his enemies in the battle field using his yellow slippers

The 2 Lees square off, 2-D vs yellow slippers, & in the end, girl power prevails! Sergeant Lee Wai Lun surrendered & gave his yellow slippers as a present to Corporal San Nien in exchange for her sparing his life

The victorious Corporal Lee San Nien, flanked by her loyal Private Chris Lee & her new lelaki simpanan Private Kevin Wong, who surrendered after the loss of his fellow comrade Sergeant Lee Wai Lun

We noticed Debbie loves to make weird (or funny, from her own point of view) faces

& here’s another. She’s like saying: “I want to OC!”, which she really did want to actually, at that time

In the end, we could no longer stand it & locked her up for good at the fort for various offenses including making weird faces, mistaking dolphins as elephants & for thinking & claiming that the Pas logo was a white circle with a RED background

Part III – Batu Maung Outdoor War Museum

The next day, with Debbie still locked up in prison & San Nien getting married, I mean, attending a wedding, the remaining 5 guys went to explore the outdoor War Museum of Batu Maung.

Talk about having a huge mojo

Chun Yan has a message to George Bush; he is against war…

NOT!!! Die! Die die die! Die you farking mosquitos!

As we further explored the jungles surrounding this fort-turned-war-museum, we made one of the most shocking of discoveries; we found a long-lost caveman wandering around whom we labelled as A.L.A.N. (A Long-lost Ancient Native). He is seen here (extreme right) unable to pose like a civilized human being, but that’s understandable.

We tried our best to teach him to how to pose as normal as possible while taking pictures. Him squatting in a shitting position is the closest-to-normal attempt we could force out of him

Chris leading A.L.A.N. in a brave escape out of the war museum using hidden passages.

On the way we stumbled upon a set of rotten testicles, to which A.L.A.N. identified were his own, chopped off by his village head a long time ago as punishment for inappropriately molesting a baboon

A.L.A.N., pictured here with Expedition Chief Chun Yan & Chris, the man who headed the escape mission & brought A.L.A.N. to safety for future experiments

Finally, a normal pose! All of us with A.L.A.N. after successfully crossing over the border

As you should realize by now, this is not a properly detailed journal of my travels in Penang, instead it’s a parody of sorts. Please find the more accurate & proper stories of our Penang trip at San Nien’s Anyway, I would like to forward a massive word of gratitude to the temporary Penangites for having Alan & I over for the weekend, & for bringing us around to great spots to makan & visit! How remarkable it is that simple things became so memorable because of the company. It was undoubtedly a whole lot of madness, even the first night chat with the guys & the pillow talk was awesome (thanks for that girls, & to San Nien for not allowing me to sleep), & I certainly welcome the weekend break from all the stress back in KL. Looking back at some of these absurd pictures, there was certainly an embarassing amount of childishness involved, but hey, if you can’t find time to let out the inner child within you once in a while to just have a little fun, then you lead a depressing state of life my friend. I returned from Penang a whole lot heavier from cendols & laksas & char kuey teows, with the hope that my sperm count increases back to normal soon.

On another note, Digby’s album, Unfold, did not disappoint. It is a very pretty album, nothing outstanding about her voice or songs, but the 2nd half of the album deserves a listen. At the moment, I’m hooked to “Spell”; her voice is unassumingly angelic in these sort of intimate songs. I’m disappointed about the “Unfold” track though, it could have been so much better if she had only used a brighter guitar for the choruses.