It's nothing personal. I'm just…

“It has been said that to write is to live forever. The man who said that is now dead.”

Month: August, 2008

The Car that Died…then Wouldn’t Die

We’ve all heard of cars that failed to start. But have you heard of a car that could not turn off?

This is the 11-year-old “Hero” that has served my family faithfully & well. It has been through some turbulent times (but never critical), & has always came up on top, thanks to the intensive care my family, & now myself, always showered generously (& appropriately) upon it. Its ownership was partially handed over to yours truly only late last year, mainly to ferry himself around during his internship stint (working in Mercedes-Benz doesn’t mean a company car comes along with the package!), & now, to accompany the youngest Wong son when back in university.

Despite being extremely attentive to its condition, needs, & always keeping it as clean as possible, today was the first time my Proton Hero failed on me. The signs were there days before, when the alarm rang out from nowhere. Then, the car battery died. My roommate (Edwin) & I decided to purchase a new one & changed it ourselves. Since both of us did our internship with German companies, we were too big-headed or egoistic to let some mechanic change the battery for us.

The next sequence of events proved we were merely idiotic assholes.

Upon fasting on the new battery & respective terminals under a heavy downpour of rain, I savoured the sound of the engine rev as I turned the key in the ignition. Easy, job done. Or so we thought. As I turned off the ignition…the engine kept running. I was flabbergasted in disbelief, while the more idiotic Edwin didn’t believe that I had already turned the key to off. I pulled out the key…& remarkably the engine remained humming, almost mockingly. Wow, I mean, wtf?!. Ed & I stared at each other, pondering how completely idiotic we looked. Waliao, blazing knickers…now I can actually just drive the car around without the key in the ignition. What a bloody awesome accomplishment. Now I can stop the car in the most unceremoniously un-macho-est of ways, by keeping in 1st gear & releasing the clutch, thus leaving the car to jerk forward & die off like it just got humped in the ass by a certain someone who won the Permatang Pauh seat.

It wasn’t long before we ended back at the mechanic shop, my car being driven without the key in the ignition, bringing a whole new meaning to the term “keyless entry”. Damn gaya man, wished Top Gear could have seen this. Oh, how stupid I must have sounded when trying to explain this miracle to the mechanic: “Boss, my car just now can’t start right. Uh…now it can’t stop.”

Unable to identify the source of the problem after checking through the alternator, starter, fuse box & relay box, the shop contacted an Ah Beng Wire-man from a nearby shop. The Ah Beng came & raped…I mean, stripped down my car interior to bits, checking every single wire & socket for any possible cross-contact that led to the car draining the battery continuously all the time. After a thorough process of perogolan, he finally hit jackpot.

Ah Beng: “Ahhhh. Neh! It’s the hehcartlaitsweet.”
KV : “Huh? What ah?”
Ah Beng: “The hehcartaitsweet. Hehcart!”
KV : “Heh-what (the f**k)?”
Ah Beng : “Nehhh, the hehcartlait ah. Below the ehkonsweet.”
KV : “Oh. Hazard light switch.”

The Ah Beng charged me a significantly high price for the replacement of that damned component, but I was desperate, & I need my Hero back so I could get my ass to KL for Avril. Good thing it was nothing serious in the end, & the Hero lives to serve another day. Today however, will forever be remembered as the day my Wira died, then got resurrected, & then mutated into an automotive immortal for a couple of hours.

So the next time your car suddenly became an immortal, it might just be the hehcartlaitsweet.

Avril is (Still) Too Hot for Malaysia

UPDATE: “Show will go on for rock star Avril on Aug 29” – The Star Online, August 23rd.

PETALING JAYA: Canadian rock star Avril Lavigne will be performing in Kuala Lumpur after all. The final decision, after a week of uncertainty, was made at a meeting of senior officials from the Unity, Culture, Arts and Heritage Ministry yesterday. The organiser, Galaxy Group, obtained its permit last evening to stage the concert at Stadium Merdeka on Aug 29, sources said. Avril’s concert here – the launch pad of her Asian dates – made headlines across the world after the Federal Territory PAS Youth told the ministry and the Kuala Lumpur Mayor to ban the event. The wing had argued that Avril’s concert is “too punk and rock for Malaysian youth especially so during Merdeka month.” Since then, many have criticised the wing’s move and decisions were purportedly made on the status of the show and its date. Minister Datuk Shafie Apdal had earlier said the application to hold the concert had to be studied, as they did not want it to coincide with the Merdeka period and the tahlil religious programme on Aug 29. Shafie had also denied that the ministry’s earlier decision to call off the concert was in response to PAS Youth’s call for the ban.

Oh, the morons we have that govern our country. The clowns finally found the light that was shining out of their assholes. Screw them all. Avril, you are totally owning. Blow the skirts off our wussy government, & PAS youth, who all think with their damn penises (& think they control all OUR penises). Show these idiots what independence really means, & that music is not controlled by some idealistic political movement. It’s time to bring on the fun, & rock on.

Kevin is currently salivating at Avril Lavigne’s acoustic concert at the Roxy Theatre.


Bless Pak Lah’s hairy balls.

From YAHOO! News: KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia – Malaysia on Tuesday canceled a concert by Canadian rock singer Avril Lavigne, saying it may taint the Muslim-majority country’s independence day celebrations after the Islamic opposition slammed her show as being “too sexy.” The Arts, Culture and Heritage Ministry said it had decided not to permit Lavigne’s show because it was unsuitable to Malaysian culture and could not be held on August 29, two days ahead of independence day.

“It is not timely. It’s not in the good spirit of our National Day. If we go ahead with the concert, it is contrary to what we are preparing for,” said Shukran Ibrahim, a senior official from the culture ministry’s department that vets all foreign artists.

The decision came after the youth wing of a fundamentalist opposition party, the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party, called for the show’s cancellation. Kamarulzaman Mohamed, a party youth official, told The Associated Press on Monday that Lavigne’s show was “considered too sexy for us” and would promote the wrong values just before independence day.

What. The. Fart. Ma. Chi. Bung.

This really takes the cake. How dare you bastards take away every Sk8er Boi’s high school dream. Do you know how long I waited to see Avril live in person?! Okay, so what if I’m not a fan of her post-marriage 3rd album, I was hopelessly devoted head over heels for her first two albums. This is the first time I’m forking an investment of over 300 bucks for a concert ticket, and you go and fart her away just like that?

The unholy ticket to sexiness

Let me tell you assholes something, it’s an indescribable honour that a foreign artist, someone even of Avril’s stature, would actually consider putting damned Malaysia on their tour’s schedule. Have you not learned shit? First Beyonce ditched us. Then Christina Aguilera. You know what, I actually believed for a second that Malaysia was heading for a good year ahead when artists like Switchfoot, Daughtry, Colbie Caillat dropped by, or hey, even that Digby free showcase was a good sign. Then this pile of cow dung landed.

“It is considered too sexy for us…It’s not good for viewers in Malaysia. We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.” – Kamarulzaman Mohamed.

Excuse my ass, Avril Lavigne – too sexy? Never in any of our teenage-horny-hormonal-years have we ever associated Avril with the word sexy. Oh sorry, I forgot I was listening & speaking to the holiest monk on planet Earth.

“Hold on hold on, what if I sang the Merdeka song during my concert? Or your Jalur Gemilang? Could I come then? I promise I won’t do a ‘I-wanna-be-your-girlfriend’ on any Malaysian guy!”

& not in the good spirit of National Day? So putting the concert just before Merdeka will make us less patriotic? You know what, choosing Azizul over Chong Wei to be the flag bearer for Malaysia in Beijing, now THAT’s bloody unpatriotic. We are not dumb enough to believe the reasons you gave us, we KNOW the real reason behind that choice okay. In the end? Chong Wei gave us a silver, and symbolically kissed the Malaysian flag logo on his T-shirt repeatedly after the semifinal win over Lee Hyun-Il, while Azizul finished last in his event. So yea, fark you.

“Tanggaaaalll tiga puluh satuuuuuuuu. Bulan lapan, lima puluh tujuuuuhhhhh…”

First you wanna ban Faizal Tahir’s nipples. Then you tried to ban the boobs of Ella & Mas Idayu, followed swiftly by the ban of a local rock band singer’s boxers. Oh yea, now you wanna further make Malaysia a complete international mockery in front of the entire world to gleefully see. What, the global humiliation that our ex-Information Minister heaped on our country when he spluttered his attempt at the English language live on Al-Jazeera after the Bersih protest; that wasn’t enough?

“Next, I’m gonna sing an acoustic remix titled Hey Hey You You Negara ku ku…”

Several female artists including Gwen Stefani and the Pussycat Dolls have run into trouble in Malaysia, which requires all performers to be covered from knees to chest and refrain from jumping, shouting, hugging and kissing on stage.

Jumping? Shouting? Hahahahahaha, even Sesame Street had performers and puppets jumping! What a complete joke! I’m sorry, oh PAS Youth muffinheads, that you actually believed us Malaysians to be as easily “influenced”, naive & stupid like yourselves. I personally feel sorry that you actually think us to be as low as you. Kudos once again, Malaysia, for being able to push the limits of narrow-mindedness, both on the local & international stage. Indeed, with this kind of INTELLECTUAL mindfulness, we are SO on track to being a fully-developed country by year 2020. Our country is so going to the dogs.

Next time they’re gonna ban Hayley for having “rambut terlalu oren” when Paramore decides to drop by, if they ever do. Or even ban Jennifer Lopez for “having an enormous arse”, or Mariah Carey for her healthily sculptured fruits, or Justin Timberlake for his “sexyback”, or Timbaland for wearing singlets that inappropriately show his big-ass abs, & his bulu ketiak. That’s when I’ll be moving, period. For now, instead of looking forward in full anticipation to August 29th, here I am flopped down on my chair in despair, wondering how it would ever feel like when Avril sings “Hey hey you you, I want to be your girlfriend” to me…

%d bloggers like this: