The Car that Died…then Wouldn’t Die

by KV

We’ve all heard of cars that failed to start. But have you heard of a car that could not turn off?

This is the 11-year-old “Hero” that has served my family faithfully & well. It has been through some turbulent times (but never critical), & has always came up on top, thanks to the intensive care my family, & now myself, always showered generously (& appropriately) upon it. Its ownership was partially handed over to yours truly only late last year, mainly to ferry himself around during his internship stint (working in Mercedes-Benz doesn’t mean a company car comes along with the package!), & now, to accompany the youngest Wong son when back in university.

Despite being extremely attentive to its condition, needs, & always keeping it as clean as possible, today was the first time my Proton Hero failed on me. The signs were there days before, when the alarm rang out from nowhere. Then, the car battery died. My roommate (Edwin) & I decided to purchase a new one & changed it ourselves. Since both of us did our internship with German companies, we were too big-headed or egoistic to let some mechanic change the battery for us.

The next sequence of events proved we were merely idiotic assholes.

Upon fasting on the new battery & respective terminals under a heavy downpour of rain, I savoured the sound of the engine rev as I turned the key in the ignition. Easy, job done. Or so we thought. As I turned off the ignition…the engine kept running. I was flabbergasted in disbelief, while the more idiotic Edwin didn’t believe that I had already turned the key to off. I pulled out the key…& remarkably the engine remained humming, almost mockingly. Wow, I mean, wtf?!. Ed & I stared at each other, pondering how completely idiotic we looked. Waliao, blazing knickers…now I can actually just drive the car around without the key in the ignition. What a bloody awesome accomplishment. Now I can stop the car in the most unceremoniously un-macho-est of ways, by keeping in 1st gear & releasing the clutch, thus leaving the car to jerk forward & die off like it just got humped in the ass by a certain someone who won the Permatang Pauh seat.

It wasn’t long before we ended back at the mechanic shop, my car being driven without the key in the ignition, bringing a whole new meaning to the term “keyless entry”. Damn gaya man, wished Top Gear could have seen this. Oh, how stupid I must have sounded when trying to explain this miracle to the mechanic: “Boss, my car just now can’t start right. Uh…now it can’t stop.”

Unable to identify the source of the problem after checking through the alternator, starter, fuse box & relay box, the shop contacted an Ah Beng Wire-man from a nearby shop. The Ah Beng came & raped…I mean, stripped down my car interior to bits, checking every single wire & socket for any possible cross-contact that led to the car draining the battery continuously all the time. After a thorough process of perogolan, he finally hit jackpot.

Ah Beng: “Ahhhh. Neh! It’s the hehcartlaitsweet.”
KV : “Huh? What ah?”
Ah Beng: “The hehcartaitsweet. Hehcart!”
KV : “Heh-what (the f**k)?”
Ah Beng : “Nehhh, the hehcartlait ah. Below the ehkonsweet.”
KV : “Oh. Hazard light switch.”

The Ah Beng charged me a significantly high price for the replacement of that damned component, but I was desperate, & I need my Hero back so I could get my ass to KL for Avril. Good thing it was nothing serious in the end, & the Hero lives to serve another day. Today however, will forever be remembered as the day my Wira died, then got resurrected, & then mutated into an automotive immortal for a couple of hours.

So the next time your car suddenly became an immortal, it might just be the hehcartlaitsweet.

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