Of Stunning Women & 1 Who Can’t Sing

by KV

Latest entry into ‘Bizarre Facts About My Country’: “Operasi Sayang Remaja” & “Valentine’s Day Trap”, coming to your town soon, to check your panties! How they gonna do that beats me…

I’ll start with the one who brings karaoke to a whole new level.

Taylor Swift – 8 Grammy Nominations. 4 Grammys. & she can’t even sing in tune.

Look, let me first say I really really REALLY want to NOT hate her. To be honest, I have not much against her, I find her pretty sweet (to the point of being a little annoyingly fake) but ultimately, negligible. I’ve refrained very much from completely blowing my top on her songwriting skills attempts for months now, while continuing to snort in silence at her live performances. Now however, seems like the about-time moment to let loose some of my long-suppressed Cowellness. It only took me this long to confirm that Taylor Swift can’t sing because the last time I saw her live, it was a duet with Miley Cyrus. Alongside a constipated-walrus-on-helium-sounding Cyrus, Swift actually seemed good. Go figure.

Stevie thinking whatthehellamIdoinghere

Let’s just focus on her utterly embarrassing Grammy performance. To put it plainly, she was off-key, she was struggling, & she completely tanked. & I don’t mean there were moments of it, it was the entire excruciating 3-song live session. Randy would have said “pitchy”, Paula would have muttered sheepishly “I think you look really gorgeous today” (which I would beg to differ, I would give it to Swift’s Taylor Koa) & Cowell, on a good day that is, would rate it as “nauseating, utter rubbish & a complete mess”. Yes, the legendary Stevie Nicks was the completely wrong pairing as well, but nothing could have been more annoyingly obvious than Swift’s shocking lack of vocal ability. Yup, I said shocking, even more shocking than Katy Perry’s cleavage.


Even her onstage antics were a little too desperate for me. No Miss Swift, you can’t always get away by flashing your dazzling smile & that cutesy “humble” look.

Believe me, we are as OMG as you are, Taylor

Now before all you Swiftards start defending her by saying she’s really “young”, & she is ” a great songwriter”, or that she is “the most honest writer of recent times” or whatever other crap you can muster, let me just say one thing: She won 4 f-ing Grammys, so singing A LITTLE in tune live is a minimum requirement. After all, it’s the least she could do seeing that her songs are harmless forgettable tunes with naive lyrics. She’s 20, not some 11-year-old pre-puberty blondie. & yes, though she does write from the heart, let’s be frank here, her lyrics are amateurish at best. Stating that she is a talented writer is like claiming that Katy Perry has small boobs. I have to admit, Swift’s record sales & popularity justifies her great success, especially in 2009. Her melodies are easy on the ears & bubble-gummish, but seriously, Album of the Year? Her collection of repertoires is more HARMLESS than FEARLESS.

Right, I sound extremely pompous now, so let me bring myself back to earth a little. Taylor Swift is the kinda girl your mom & dad would not just love, but would encourage you to adore. She’s really quite harmless, & she warrants her radio-overplaying periods. I do not mind even in the slightest having someone like Swift around on the airwaves & on the tube, especially when she is as delightfully easy-on-the-eyes as Swift is. I haven’t forgotten that credit is due for her brave performance right after being dissed onstage by Kanye. But 4 Grammys? Let’s face it, Lady Gaga‘s monstrously fantastic album deserves everything more than Swift, & truth be told I don’t even believe Swift deserved most of the nominations. Besides, Carrie Underwood beats Swift anytime as the artist who does the country-pop crossover better, aside from the glaring fact that Underwood’s vocals are tremendous (& personally, Underwood’s much cuter too). Thankfully though, Beyoncé won enough that night so there was no need for another “charitable” display.

Cause we all know a lot of people would gladly do a Kanye if they could after that Grammy night.

By the way, now that we’ve established Swift’s performance as the worse of Grammy night (& probably of the century), my favourites of the night were Green Day‘s passionate kick-ass “21 Guns” with American Idiot & the very much under-rated Pink in complete glittering form. & let’s all stand up for Kings of Leon‘s deserving “Use Somebody” Grammy win!

Right then, enough about Taylor Swift’s karaoke session & Katy Perry’s assets. A lot has been said about The Blind Side, an inspiring but sometimes a-little-too-good-to-be-true based-on-a-true-story movie about a black man’s journey to the summit of American football, mainly because Sandra Bullock gave a performance that was so good I could almost cry for her. But unfortunately, being the man that I am, what stayed in my mind even more was…

Can you all say WHOA WHOA WOW…

Uh oh!

Lily Jane Collins. She’s Sandra Bullock’s daughter in the movie. This chick is certified drop dead hot. Those eyes, coupled with those eyebrows, man…that could melt me in an instant’s instant. Hell I wouldn’t mind breaking a few hundred bones & cracking a couple of shoulder blades on the pitch for her. Kicks Swift’s “sweetness” out of the window anytime man. She’s Phil Collins’ daughter, & ladies & gentlemen, she slots into my young favourites’ list alongside AnnaSophia Robb & Dakota Fanning, etc etc, easily.

& in line with the topic of stunning gorgeous women, I think many of you have noticed Burberry‘s latest 09/10 ad campaigns (they’ve been up for quite a while). I know I did, honestly, how could I possibly not, with Emma Watson growing into such a hottie like that? I mean, no offense to Hermione Jane Granger, but look at what the Potter movies have been holding back on Emma!

These behind-the-scenes shots are even better!

Uh oh!

Are you salivating yet fellow wankers? If you’re not, then it’s high time to reset your polar coordinates to the north pole, if you get what I mean.

Latest entry into ‘Word of Advice Before Entering My Country’: “Hold on to your panties!”