40 Things I Would Do If I Was Made Prime Minister

by KV

1. Appoint Daphne Iking as my Deputy, & Marion Caunter my PA. What? A leader is nothing without the team behind him.

2. Scrap the entire 1Malaysia Tower project & use the money to pay Daft Punk to reinvent the music of Negaraku.

3. & if there was leftover money, I’d pay Kimi Raikonnen to come over & appoint him Pengarah JPJ.

4. Ban people from bringing children or babies into bars, or fathers (& mothers) from smoking in public right beside their babies/child. Come on people.

5. Invite Paramore & Katy Perry into my Putrajaya office. & all you rakyat too. We are so gonna have a rockstar party there, & thus bring some life to Putrajaya.

6. Stay away from Mongolian women, especially those who happen to have “Altantuyaa” in their names.

7. Not marry someone who has the tendency to play with C4 explosives.

8. Send my children to Hogwarts.

9. Ban all Justin Bieber & Miley Cyrus music from the local radio airwaves.

10. Hannah Tan is my Home Minister. She’ll keep the peace & the naughty boys at bay for sure.

11. Call Hillary Clinton to tell her “Ma’am, I like you – but I like your husband more”.

12. Call Obama every evening & ask him “Hey, so how much more screwed-up is your country today?”

13. Send a postcard to George Bush with only one word on it – “WANKER!”

14. Send a vulgar sms to Silvio Berlusconi.

15. Local Censorship Board – off you go.

16. & with that, put “Californication” on RTM1.

17. Ban all 3D movies from cinemas. For eternity.

18. Award Datukship to Carmen Soo.

19. Give Malaysian citizenship to Katy Perry & Russell Brand! Just because I can. Now wouldn’t that be grand.

20. Make international artists’ concerts a monthly affair, & ensure Lady Gaga is on the list. Come come Coldplay, Muse, Paramore (again & again!), Lifehouse, Metallica, Radiohead, Sara, Ingrid…

21. MIC new president – Russell Peters in da house!

22. Make El Regina Tajuddin or Leong Mun Yee my Youth & Sports Minister.

23. Add Samy on Facebook so I can show my utmost gratitude towards him with a wall post – “Thanks macha…for stepping down. Regards, PM.”

24. Create a “Minister for Magic” post, who will take care of the welfare of all “Muggles” in this beloved country. & the post goes to…Emma Watson. Gotta get her a Malaysian citizenship first though.

25. Namewee, I’m making you Minister in my new Music Ministry.

26. Give the Health Minister post back to Chua Soi Lek. Hey, you gotta give some credit to the man’s health.

27. Crack down on the number of foreigners entering our country. I want my wantan mee or chicken rice made & served by locals once in a while, thank you very much.

28. Too bloody many Old Town White Coffees. Chop chop.

29. Give a public holiday to every of Nicol David & Lee Chong Wei’s international victories.

30. Ask Nurul Izzah Anwar out for a date on the pretext of forging closer ties among opposing parties.

31. Demand Glee to give me a guest spot as Quinn Fabray’s one night stand. My scenes would naturally involve alot of making-out with Dianna Agron.

32. Replace daily prime time news with David Letterman.

33. Rename Ron 95 as Ron 1Malaysia, & Ron 97 as Ron-Takde-MyKad.

34. Finally get to ask Proton “What in the bloody hell were you thinking when you made Proton Juara & Proton Tiara?!”

35. Still thinking what I should do with that Proton Inspira thingy.

36. Taxes…hmm. *Cracks knuckles*

37. Tolls too. I think you know where they are going.

38. Enforce a law on swimming pool attire – only proper swimming trunks, swimsuits or bikinis are allowed, anything else is considered illegal laundry in the pool.

39. Well, I always wanted to go to Space…

40. & finally, I would of course have to end global warming, support charities, increase minimum wages, increase petrol subsidies, support world peace, improve public transportation, better the economy, lower automobile sales taxes, harsher penalties for child rapists, drunk drivers, & other typical assholes, increase government transparency in all crap, & all the other usual yada yada yada hogwash.

Disclaimer: The fact that I have to put a disclaimer (& unless you are just really dumb or can’t understand English) should clearly indicate that this post is pure bullshit & not ISA-worthy.

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