Blondes Vs Brunettes 2011 Edition

by KV

Before I ramble off, my prayers go out to the people of Christchurch.

I am in the mood. It’s one of those days where my hormones are just jumping off the walls to “Like A G6” or something. You have been fairly warned.

Let me break it down for you. I have 12 actresses in mind when I think of the biggest ones to look out for in 2011. What I’m going to do is split them into two teams & pit their potentials against each other. 6 blondes versus 6 brunettes; let the hair-pulling begin!

TEAM BLONDE 2011

Leader: Amber Heard

Have you seen The Stepfather? Or And Soon The Darkness? Or her legendary scenes in The Informers? If you haven’t, you better. She is without doubt the most ridiculously mind-blowing blonde ever shaped into a two-piece tiny bikini. Prepare tissues, not for tears you dumbass, for the blood that’s gonna be shooting violently out of your nostrils. After this early-year’s Drive Angry 3D (Heard in 3D, woot!), try not to completely dry up all your juices so you can also catch her seducing Johnny Depp in The Rum Diary.

Hotness: 5 (Freaking full points for her single performance in The Stepfather. Oh yes, All The Boys do Love Mandy Lane)
Talent: 2.5 (I don’t mind her hovering around bikini-goddess roles, but somebody do give her something to prove she’s more than that)


Blonde 1: Dianna Agron

Putting her lovely Quinn Fabray aside, she’s starting to get some silver screen time with I Am Number Four (which also has a kick-ass-looking Teresa Palmer)The Hunters, as well as I’ve-yet-to-see small roles in The Romantics & Burlesque. Screw this, I want to be her Number One & Number Last – her beauty is just out of this world.

Hotness: 5 (Full marks for being a supernatural stunner)
Talent: 3 (5 points if this was about her Glee exploits, but she’s new to the big screen)


Blonde 2: Emily Browning

As tirelessly promoted twice in this blog, Sucker Punch has a truck load of wild sexiness. The idea of seeing the luscious-lipped, adorable, doll-like Browning go berserk as a gun-wielding Japanese-mini-skirted blonde is akin to intense foreplay before you see her getting it on with the other 4 female ball-busters! She also has the advantage of “The Cheerleader Effect” (refer Barney from HIMYM) with such a band of babes sharing screen time with her, but will face stiff competition from the ruthless-looking Abbie Cornish & a scorching Jamie Chung . This is shamelessly a real man’s fantasy, so remind me to bring along my inhaler into the hall.

Hotness: 3 (Mostly for those lips)
Talent: 3.5 (Young talent)


Blonde 3: Jennifer Lawrence

I very much doubt anyone would be watching her in X-Men: First Class for her proven acting chops. Anyways, if that blue suit over-ugly-fies her & her curves,  her next role alongside Mel Gibson in Jodie Foster’s The Beaver should be interesting (no, that title does not refer to any part of Lawrence’s anatomy, you dirty wanker). If that bombs, we can always fall back on the other X-Men: First Class chicks, Rose Byrne & January Jones.

Hotness: 3.5 (Curves at the right places)
Talent: 4 (2010’s breakthrough aside from Tom Hardy)


Blonde 4: Blake Lively

Technically she’s a brunette in The Green Horn-, oops..Lantern, but we know her best as the blondie named Serena with legs that go on forever, so indulge me will ya. Besides, what’s more important is a female pilot with knockers such as hers is always worth checking out. Ryan Reynolds would be the perfect judge, since he did ditch Scarlett Johansson for greener pastures, so to speak.

Hotness: 3.5 (I know a lot of people think she’s drop dead gorgeous, but aside from her figure, sorry, when I think of her, I think of how much more gorgeous Leighton Meester’s Blaire is)
Talent: 2.5 (pretty much the same-o same-o)


Blonde 5: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Regardless whether she makes or breaks it, she has already hit big-time for being known as the model Michael Bay selected to replace Megan Fox’s slow-motion cleavage in Transformers 3: Bulan Sangat Gelap. First impression-wise however, I barely batted an eyelid.

Hotness: 2 (no comment, just not my type. Amber Heard would have been sizzling perfect here)
Talent: 1 (thankfully, we only care about the Autobots & Decepticons)


TEAM BRUNETTE 2011

Leader: Natalie Portman

While she conquered 2010 with one single insane performance in Black Swan, 2011 has her as an endearing sexed-up doctor in No Strings Attached, wearing a medieval thong in Your Highness, & in a sexy scientist coat (probably) in Thor. Massively talented, lovely, hardworking & has her fun side. What’s there not to love about Portman?

Hotness: 3.5 (always been a unique beauty, but THAT scene with Mila Kunis in Black Swan just elevated her hotness factor to epic proportions)
Talent: 5 (awards should be continuing in waves)


Brunette 1: Emily Blunt

There’s just something incredibly, incredibly lovable about Blunt. The pout, those deep eyes, that bloody endearing, distinctive accent. Every inch of her oozes with dazzling elegance in the The Adjustment Bureau trailer (frankly, I don’t think she has ever looked better). &, she was so good she made Gulliver’s Travels almost bearable. Her princess was really quite a hoot!

Hotness: 3 (not your conventional looker, but has genuine appeal that you simply can’t resist)
Talent: 4 (more than held her own against Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, among others. Now that’s saying something)


Brunette 2: Mila Kunis

Kunis defines the term intoxicating beauty & this year she’s going to be Friends With Benefits with Justin Timberlake. Can you blame Timberlake for looking like a complete doofus here? Hell I would sell my cows & goats to have Mila as my FWB. Her bed-wrestling-making-out scene with Natalie Portman in Black Swan was the reason for 60% of male orgasms in 2010 (the other 40% was due to Amber Heard’s bikini & Anne Hathaway’s boobs). Hang on, both Mila & Natalie are playing friends-with-benefits roles this year…bless them. On another note, an equally fabulous Emma Stone also appears in Friends With Benefits, but she’s a red-head & is disqualified from both teams.

Hotness: 5 (for her exotic – almost erotic, ahem – looks & raspy voice which will always remain eternally desirable, & her amazing dresses on the red carpet)
Talent: 4 (one of the most under-rated actresses around)


Brunette 3: Olivia Wilde

Those eyeeesss, aahhhhhhhh. Look at those eyeeesssssss. Damn. I’m betting all my goats that she will bring peace between the Cowboys & Aliens at the end of the movie, or wipe them all out with her death rays shooting out Cyclops-style. It should be quite a year for her eyeballs as she will also star in the sci-fi Now, & comedic ventures in Butter The Change-Up.

Hotness: 4.5 (I mean, those eyeeessssssss. 2.25 points for each eyeball)
Talent: 3 (she’s fine, but nothing too spectacular yet)


Brunette 4: Rooney Mara

Just waiting for this girl to explode. Initial hype & impressions from David Fincher’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo are ravishing & extremely promising, so this movie could very well define Mara’s career. Wait, the hair looks black…or is it super dark brown? Oh who cares! Perhaps I should relabel this battle Team Gold vs Team Dark next time around.

Hotness: 3 (bonus for producing killer images like the above)
Talent: 4 (She stole the first 10 minutes of The Social Network. I got me eye on you, Rooney)


Brunette 5: Jamie Chung

Jamie to Team Brunette is what Amber Heard is to Team Blonde, the ultimate epitome of hotness. She’ll have our balls in a twist in Sucker Punch & will knock a teeth or two out  in The Hangover 2. The poster above of her with a lollipop is already forcing guys to, um, stand up straight & pay attention.

Hotness: 4 (Did you see her in Grown Ups?)
Talent: 2.5 (should start branching out from her stereotyped Asian-hot-bitch roles)

The final count…

Team Blonde: Hotness = 22/30. Talent = 16.5 /30. Grand Total = 38.5/60.

Team Brunette: Hotness = 23/30. Talent = 22.5/30. Grand Total = 45.5/60.

While in terms of hotness Team Blonde takes an early lead thanks mainly to the exemplary leadership of Amber Heard (like I said, did you watch The Stepfather? I mean…HOLY COW!), they have 2 weak links. One, in the rather impact-less Blake Lively. Two, in Huntington-Whiteley they have a risk that might even end up as the biggest disaster in 2011. Besides, the accumulative big screen star power of Team Blonde is dim & untested at best. I’m surprised & really thought they would have at least edge out Team Brunette in the hotness count, but with too many fillers, I guess Heard & Agron just couldn’t save the day.

Team Brunette has way too much exciting talent in Portman, Blunt & Mara, coupled with an overdose concoction of sexiness in Wilde & Chung, with Kunis right in the middle bringing balance to the force by being outstanding at both factors. While Team Blonde is filled with yet-to-be-proven potentials still awaiting the chance to be unleashed, Team Brunette relies on a well-proven track record, the exceptional award-winning star power of team leader Portman, the stupendously all-round Kunis, & with each individuality complementing each other without a single weak link in the team. Yes, this team has just the right mix of potential in beauty & substance for 2011, lightening up the path of glory towards an undisputed, devastating victory.

Sooooo…Team Brunette wins this mindless face-off & has the edge on potential to kick-ass in 2011!

BRUNETTES TOTALLY OWNING, HELL YEAH!

& I wonder why I am in Engineering…

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