“Redbull Is For Pussies”

by KV

This film starts off with a safe, standard, rip-off storyline that feels so familiar bordering on the teenage B-grade superhero stuff.

Alien stuck on Earth with protector. Alien happens to be a really kayu Alex Pussyfer but at least knows how to count up to four. Bad bald dudes with fake face tattoos called Mongolians (wait, that sounds wrong, was it Mogadorians? Mangodurians? Mocha Frappucinos?) going after him. Alien dude trying to fit into high school. Alien dude doesn’t quite hit it off with school bully, instead befriends nerd. Alien dude starts shooting lights out of his hands & jumping around waterfall cliffs without getting wet. Alien dude falls for a stunner who happens to be a loner (completely unreal!).

Okay, that also happens to be an impossibly sweet Dianna Agron.

Things only start to pick up when Number Six blazes in & whallops the Mongolians or Mangodurians.

My cinema hall audience erupted into applause after her fight scene. Everyone actually clapped hands, how cool is that! The last time I was in the hall & a movie evoked such response was for Batman Begins.

Can’t help it, a fiery Teresa Palmer was just way too awesome, executing slick moves with such attitude that could easily put Summer Glau’s similarly ass-whooping Cameron in The Sarah Connor Chronicles into the shade. By now I had trouble dividing my focus between the two blondes of Agron & Palmer, especially with Pussyfer’s No. 4 annoyingly appearing all the time. I mean, why are they even bothering to show him? Why are we still following his story? What? You mean this movie is not called I Am Number Six? Or I Am Hot Photographer Chick? Owh…

The following action scenes were pretty neat, I have to say. Throw in a valiant dog into the mix to “awwweeeeee” the teenage girls in the audience, & two mutated monsters which looked like offsprings belonging to the Cloverfield monster after it had intercourse with flying squirrels from Earth, & you have a very fun 2nd half. Oh, that’s also when Alien dude learns he is Son Goku, Luke Skywalker & Justin Bieber in one, knowing how to (1) “kame hame haaaa!!!” single handed style, (2) use the force to lift skirts – I mean, cars – as well as (3) causing No. 6 to achieve a sort of orgasmic seizure with his hands. Weeee.

“Redbull is for pussies”, she purrs in her Australian accent. Well, it’s a damn good thing I take Livita then.

No. 6 saving No. 4’s sorry ass in a rather suggestive, seductive pose. You gotta admit, she’s got style.

I Am Number Four may have been corny & unmemorable most of the time, but I can’t say I didn’t have a bloody entertaining time. Guilty as charged.

The brunettes may have won the battle, but I certainly had a jolly blonde weekend.

I almost forgot, to top off the cheesiness factor, Alien dude happens to be born with the OneGina disease. Riiiigggghhhhhhhhtttttt, “we only fall in love once” is a little too much for me to bear.