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Month: April, 2011

There’s Just Something About The Other Glee Blonde

Hello imaginary people from across the cyberwires, physically or wirelessly. Mr. Fabray here is back with another Glee-raving entry. No, I’m not going to announce another petition for more Quinn screen time & solos. Nor am I going to moan about the complete lack of passion thrown into Sectionals & Regionals, or about the awkward overstay of Gwyneth Paltrow (one shot at Cee-Lo is bearable, but what the hell was she doing barging in between Santana & Brittany’s “Landslide”, or worse, mutilating Adele? Ok stop, I said I wasn’t going to moan…)

Although my preference is & has always been brunettes, everyone knows I’m totally into Quinn. She’s my no.1 blonde, as you can clearly read here in There’s Just Something About Q. In Glee & outside (Amber Heard is a close 2nd at the moment). But while she had a great plot in Season 1, clearly the writers have embarassingly destroyed any character development Quinn had in Season 2 (still goes around the school looking nothing less stunning though). Thankfully, the 2nd blonde in Glee has managed to step up.

Brittany Susan Pierce, you are undisputedly Season 2’s outstanding Glee character. Brittany has had numerous defining moments; from owning the dance floor through Britney’s & Kei$ha’s numbers to being a hottie who shines with superb dressing outfits. However, she will forever be known best for her klutzy, delightful deadpanness & her outrageous WTFF one-liners. There’s never going to be another such a lovable dumb blonde. With that in mind, I’ve compiled 66 of my favourite Brittany lines & moments to date, in no particular order of preference or episode. Get your Santana-WTF face on.

1. “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks”

2. “I’ve lived my entire life in Britney’s shadow and I will never be as talented or famous. I hope you all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.”

3. “I’m pretty sure my cat is reading my diary.”

4. “I’m Mike Chang”

5. “People think I went on vacation, but actually I spent all summer lost in the sewers”

6. “Coach Beiste didn’t touch my boobs. Truth is, I sort of want to touch her boobs.”

7. (After seeing Santana & Quinn fight) “Stop the Violence”

8. Will: “What’s a ballad?” Brittany: “It’s a male duck”

9. “Because my name is also Brittany Spears. My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce, Brittany Spears.”

10. (After Rachel uses a metaphor of not strangling a little bird, but letting it fly, to describe her relationship to Finn) “Finn can fly?”


11. “I don’t brush my teeth, I rinse my mouth with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.”

12. “I thought heart attacks were from loving too much.”

13. (On Jesse) “Mr.Schue, is he your son?”

14. (To Santana) “I’m mad at you … but you’re still so hot.”

15. (On why she likes Mr. Schue) “Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I thought they sounded too similar and got frustrated.”

16. (Points to breasts, shakes fingers – “no” – at Santana)

17. (Gives a t-shirt to Santana with ‘Lebanese’ written on it – instead of ‘Lesbian’)

18. “If we lose, we should throw possums.”

19. “Puck’s like the dumbest person on the planet, and that’s coming from me.”

20. (Looking at Jacob Ben Israel’s afro) “It looks like a Jewish cloud”

21. Will: “What’s a duet?” Brittany: “It’s a blanket.”

22. “I’m paralyzed with fear. I’ve been here since second period. I really need to pee.”

23. Will: “Who is Christopher Cross?” Brittany: “He discovered America”

24. “The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.”

25. “I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. Nobody ever taught me how to read a calendar.”

26. (After Brittany announces she’s expecting a baby) Will: “Wait. Brittany have you been to a doctor yet? That’s the only way to be sure.” Brittany: “I don’t need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I’m not stupid. I’m pretty sure it was getting ready to bring my baby.”

27. (On the counselor) “She is the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping the bird in my locker”

28. (Mr Schue writes ‘Love’ on white board) “Ok guys I have one word for you” Brittany: “Is it love? I’m totally gonna graduate now!”

29. “Is God an evil dwarf?”

30. Rachel: “I want my allowance back!” Brittany: “You can’t. My uncle lost his job and he couldn’t afford food for his goat, so I spent the money on it. Well, sorta. The goat just ate the money.”

31. “Sometimes I forget my middle name.”

32. “It’s the Glee club with the football team… it’s like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.”

33. Quinn: “There’s a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black now.” Brittany: “That’s so racist.”

34. “Did you get a leg transplant?”

35. Will: “What’s a ballad?” Brittany: “It’s a male duck.”

36. (Will then pulls out a hat) Brittany: “I bet the duck’s in the hat.”

37. Brittany: “I really like when we make out and stuff.” Santana: “Which isn’t cheating because?” Brittany: “The plumbing’s different.”

38. “Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.”

39. “Rachel, I’m gonna give you some tough love right now. You’re not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don’t see what you’re wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.”

40. Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?” Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pant.” Will: “So close.”

41. “I don’t wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.”

42. “Remember: even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.”

43. “Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice starting living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.”

44. Artie: “We all know you can do it.” Brittany: “I know that I can’t. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.”

45. (On tater tots) “They look like deep fried deep poop.”

46. Kurt: “What are you going as for Halloween?” Brittany: “I’m going as a peanut allergy”

47. Artie: “I thought I was over someone, but I still think I have feelings for them.” Brittany: “The Clintons?”

48. Tina: “Last week we were too sexy, this week we’re too religious — we can’t win.” Brittany: “Now I know how Miley feels like.”

49. “Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.”

50. “Please don’t pull out all my teeth. I’ll look like an adult baby, but with boobs.”

51. Mr. Hummel: “If things get serious, use protection.” Brittany to Kurt: “Does he mean like a burglar alarm?”

52. “You’re pretty much the only guy in this school I haven’t made out with because I thought you were capital G gay. But now that I know you’re not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. Let me know if you wanna tap this.”

53. “I’ve been here since first period. I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time and I forgot how to leave.”

54. “I don’t know how to turn on a computer.”

55. “The way to get a man to follow you forever, take his virginity. Madonna wrote a song about it.”

56. “When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a ‘massage-onist’ (misogynist).”

57. Brittany: “You’re a really good dancer.” Finn: “Thanks, but my feet weren’t really dancing.” Brittany: “That was the best part.”

58. Santana: “Having sex is not dating.” Brittany: “If it were Santana and I would be dating.”

59. Mr. Schue: “Brittany, take it away.” Brittany: “Take what away?”

60. Rachel: “Where’s Quinn?” Brittany: “Probably down at the mall looking for elastic waist pants.”

61. “So, Hairography. It works best when you pretend like you’re getting tasered. So you just move your head around and pretend like you’re spazzing and stuff. You guys, it’s like cool epilepsy.”

62. “Your hands are really soft. Seriously, they feel like a baby. Now I know what it’s like to date a baby.”

63. Carl: “I will put you under anesthesia, you won’t feel a thing.” Brittany: “Like roofies?”

64. “Someday, I’m gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.”

65. Santana: “Everyone knows my job here is to look hot.” Quinn: “My baby hormones make me moody.” Brittany: “There’s so many words!”

66. “I’m more talented than all of you. I see that now. It’s Brittany…(pauses) bitches.”

So if you think reading these make you snort like mad, you should watch her execute those lines in her trademark deadpan nature. Oh don’t we all just looooove her!

References: http://glee.wikia.com/

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Kate Becomes Catherine

Blimey.

I am in awe of Kate Middleton. In one day, she was just, simply, unblemished classiness defined.


Poised.

Elegant.

& most significantly, radiant.

She was, for that one day at least, a picture of perfection.

She did it.

What I Learned From Sucker Punch: Music Is The Hotter Babe!

Sucker Punch is the movie of the century!

Okay I’m getting way over my head now. It is obviously not. But boy were they not joking when the posters claimed that “you will be unprepared”. If you follow this blog you would know that the author is inherently guilty of excessively-promoting & overly-anticipating this movie since  Gawd-knows-when. Yes, I totally got sucker punched – but even more by its unbelievable soundtrack. But let’s leave that to a later part of this.

PART I: THE MOVIE

Firstly, permit yours truly to just dive in straight to the fact that Sucker-Punch-is-the-most-visually-stunning-gloriously-exploitative-mess-of-a-movie-I’ve-ever-had-the-gleeful-opportunity-to-enjoy. (Breathe, breathe…)

It is every fanboy’s wettest of wet dreams & most fantastic of fantasies. You’ve got 5 women executing sublime moves & blasting bullets in clothes that are barely clothes. You’ve got snarling oversized samurai warriors zombies, dragons straight out of Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, Nazi cyborgs, a giant Bunny robot driven by an Asian hottie while still chomping on her lollipop, & shiny robot soldiers.

What is there possibly not to salivate over?

This will give your brain & senses an exhilarating yet exhausting endurance run like you probably never quite experienced before. The first 10 minutes feels like a long MTV video with a slick rendition of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)”, but it was so engrossing. In fact, the last time I felt this stimulated by a movie opening scene was The Social Network. You are either going to just love it, or completely hate it. But if there’s one thing everyone will agree, it will be about how astonishing the visual thrills are. & nobody’s gonna complain about the girls. These are not your typical bombshells, for there is an enormous amount of talent in the acting arsenal in the likes of Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone & Emily Browning, who were all outstanding. Then you have the veteran, imposing elegance of a Swarovski-earring-wearing Carla Cugino, with Oscar Isaac in excellent bad-ass form as Blue.

Oh, remember the part about what is there possibly not to salivate over? I’ve got one. Vanessa Hudgens. Bleh. She was the sole sore point in this big screen roller-coaster. For that, I’m eternally grateful that they didn’t decide to pollute the soundtrack with her lack-of-vocals.

Now about the plot. Hmmmm, now this is going to be a tricky one. I don’t know whether if this is just me, but all the beautiful, adrenaline-rushing effects didn’t quite hide the fact that the storyline was actually quite deep & emotional! Yes you read me right. Critics will disagree, I’m very sure, but I actually felt there was something in the plot, & emotional (the last word in the dictionary I would have expected to be associated with Sucker Punch) it was! The story was presented amongst sequences of imaginary, completely outrageous, bamboozling action scenes that added no concrete plot value whatsoever, amassing in the most spectacular mess you’ve ever seen. & that’s a good thing by the way.

Leaving me breathless from all the euphoria is one thing, but sticking deep questions into my head is actually flabbergasting. What was real? Was the whole whorehouse world another layer, & the battle scenes a dream within a dream Inception-style? Were the 5 girls just a representation of characters in one single girl? Did Rocket’s death symbolize something deeper that was related to Baby Doll’s sister’s death? Was Baby Doll dancing actually something else in the real world that was more traumatizing? What was Vanessa Hudgens bloody doing in this movie? Why is Rosmah’s hair getting bigger & bigger? Ahhh, questions questions.

My favourite characters: Rocket & Sweet Pea!

I am at a complete loss of superlatives to lavish upon this movie; what I’m gonna say is just dive into the hall & enjoy this entertainment blockbuster, this is 300 with boobs. I’m a fan of Digital 2D now, so I’m going to have to say that it is mandatory for this movie in particular, so you will walk out of the hall like you’ve just got brain-electrocuted & delightfully-lobotomized. Or like you’ve just been force-fed with more weed than you could ever imagine.

PART II: THE MUSIC

This is the part where I got totally sucker punched. In the balls.

I wouldn’t be exaggerating when I declare the 9-song compilation, which is a remix of classics, one of the best soundtrack in the 25 years of my life. & trust me, my ears have heard a lot. You see, film music & soundtracks used to be just a sidekick to the main show. Slowly it became a crucial anatomy of a movie, sometimes even turning out to be bigger than the movie it was supposed to be accompanying. There are soundtracks that go well with the movie, where a good one will remind you of the scenes in the movie, & there are other soundtracks that stand well on its on. Sucker Punch’s is one of those rare gems that does both extraordinarily well.

The director himself has his imprints all over this with the roaring mash-ups & savagely-synthesized rock feel of the tracks. But you know what’s even more astounding? My favourite tracks, 3 of them in fact, were sung by Miss Baby Doll, Emily Browning herself. Now this is beyond spectacular. Kicking the album (& the movie) off is a haunting remix of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” that played throughout the sensational slow-mo opening sequence of the movie, a version I reckon will even send Marilyn Manson to delirium heaven. Having the actual main actress singing melancholics of “Asleep” & “Where is My Mind?” during those more emotional scenes produced results that I’m very sure even director Zack Snyder couldn’t possibly visualize. There I was thinking that there is another indie artist to be discovered, only to read in utter bewilderment the name Emily Browning in the singing credits. While being the most delicate & muted tracks in the album, the enchanting vulnerability Browning gives to “Asleep” & “Where is My Mind” actually produces the most intensely orgasmic results. ORGASMIC, that’s the word!

You also have the haunting vocals of Bjork & Emiliana Torrini, which adds a whole different dimension, & everything culminates quite nicely with “Love is in the Air” by Carla Cugino & Oscar Isaacs, just like in the credits. My favourite track has to be “Where Is My Mind” which pairs Yoav with Browning. Carla Azar’s “Tomorrow Never Knows” is starting to get heavy play on my iTunes as well – the interesting last quarter that hops into symphonic strings before resuming its rock anthem is quite genius.

This is one soundtrack that is destined for greatness. If the movie does not turn out to be a cult classic, this soundtrack will, if, that is, it already hasn’t.

PART III: THE GIRLS, & OTHERS

Now comes an interesting section. We all love the 5 girls – that’s the main 4 with Carla Cugino, not Vanessa Hudgens – keep up with me will you. Did you know that Amanda Seyfried, Emma Stone & Evan Rachel Wood were actually the first choices for the role Baby Doll, Amber & Rocket respectively? Let’s see how they measure up against the final chosen ones.

Baby Doll: Emily Browning vs Amanda Seyfried

Hmmm, both have that big-eyed cute effect. While admittedly, Seyfried has enough curves to make the movie feel like Pamela Anderson directed it, I actually loved the steely vulnerability Browning brought to Baby Doll. But what clearly proved Browning is a clear winner would be the undiscovered talent she had in her stunning vocals. So it’s Browning for me, wise decision Mr. Snyder!

Amber: Jamie Chung vs Emma Stone

Looks vs Zesty Talent. Chung’s Amber had not much to do aside from looking ridiculously hot sucking a lollipop & lording the skies in a bunny robot & big-ass planes, so Jamie Chung for that matter scorched that part. But it’s hard to resist imagining what an always-exciting Emma Stone could have brought to the table, especially after seeing her in Super Bad, Zombieland & her epic turn in Easy A. I think she would have totally evoke a whole different fiery dimension into the role of Amber, so my vote goes to Emma.

Rocket: Jena Malone vs Evan Rachel Wood

Shit, this is the hardest to judge. Malone’s Rocket was my favourite babe among all, she was just so feisty & adorably pixie-ish as the younger sister to Sweet Pea. Evan Rachel Wood on the other hand has one of the sweetest gorgeous characteristics around, & she does seem spot-on as Abbie Cornish’s younger sister. Personally, Rachel Wood is my favourite over Malone. But you know how this could have been perfect? Evan Rachel Wood as Rocket, & since Malone is just so versatile, she would have made a sublime Blondie, simply because Vanessa Hudgens should never have been considered at all.

“Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time, things that will never die. Who teaches us whats real, and how to laugh at lies. Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend. Who trains us, and who holds the key to set us free. It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

Bang Bang!

It’s not easy to upstage & completely outshine a stellar cast like Rachel Weisz, Adrien Brody & Mark Ruffalo. All at once.

But to do it with zero words (excluding singing) is just genuinely astonishing.

That’s Rinko Kikuchi’s hilarious role as Bang Bang for you.

The Brothers Bloom may have been out since 2008, but thanks to Star Movies’ trend of repeating the same movies again & again over a period of months, combined with the fact that I frequent hotels with the room TV as sole company far too often, I think I have seen it  in at least 10 of my stays around.

& Bang Bang’s delightful character has never failed to make my day.

Never Thought I’d Live To See Hayley on Cosmo

& looking supremely fine.

Boy has she come a long way from the petite girl who appeared on YouTube with a big voice, sitting crossed-legged wrapped around in a blanket, singing “Pressure” by the side of the road.

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