There’s Just Something About The Other Glee Blonde

by KV

Hello imaginary people from across the cyberwires, physically or wirelessly. Mr. Fabray here is back with another Glee-raving entry. No, I’m not going to announce another petition for more Quinn screen time & solos. Nor am I going to moan about the complete lack of passion thrown into Sectionals & Regionals, or about the awkward overstay of Gwyneth Paltrow (one shot at Cee-Lo is bearable, but what the hell was she doing barging in between Santana & Brittany’s “Landslide”, or worse, mutilating Adele? Ok stop, I said I wasn’t going to moan…)

Although my preference is & has always been brunettes, everyone knows I’m totally into Quinn. She’s my no.1 blonde, as you can clearly read here in There’s Just Something About Q. In Glee & outside (Amber Heard is a close 2nd at the moment). But while she had a great plot in Season 1, clearly the writers have embarassingly destroyed any character development Quinn had in Season 2 (still goes around the school looking nothing less stunning though). Thankfully, the 2nd blonde in Glee has managed to step up.

Brittany Susan Pierce, you are undisputedly Season 2’s outstanding Glee character. Brittany has had numerous defining moments; from owning the dance floor through Britney’s & Kei$ha’s numbers to being a hottie who shines with superb dressing outfits. However, she will forever be known best for her klutzy, delightful deadpanness & her outrageous WTFF one-liners. There’s never going to be another such a lovable dumb blonde. With that in mind, I’ve compiled 66 of my favourite Brittany lines & moments to date, in no particular order of preference or episode. Get your Santana-WTF face on.

1. “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks”

2. “I’ve lived my entire life in Britney’s shadow and I will never be as talented or famous. I hope you all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.”

3. “I’m pretty sure my cat is reading my diary.”

4. “I’m Mike Chang”

5. “People think I went on vacation, but actually I spent all summer lost in the sewers”

6. “Coach Beiste didn’t touch my boobs. Truth is, I sort of want to touch her boobs.”

7. (After seeing Santana & Quinn fight) “Stop the Violence”

8. Will: “What’s a ballad?” Brittany: “It’s a male duck”

9. “Because my name is also Brittany Spears. My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce, Brittany Spears.”

10. (After Rachel uses a metaphor of not strangling a little bird, but letting it fly, to describe her relationship to Finn) “Finn can fly?”

11. “I don’t brush my teeth, I rinse my mouth with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.”

12. “I thought heart attacks were from loving too much.”

13. (On Jesse) “Mr.Schue, is he your son?”

14. (To Santana) “I’m mad at you … but you’re still so hot.”

15. (On why she likes Mr. Schue) “Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I thought they sounded too similar and got frustrated.”

16. (Points to breasts, shakes fingers – “no” – at Santana)

17. (Gives a t-shirt to Santana with ‘Lebanese’ written on it – instead of ‘Lesbian’)

18. “If we lose, we should throw possums.”

19. “Puck’s like the dumbest person on the planet, and that’s coming from me.”

20. (Looking at Jacob Ben Israel’s afro) “It looks like a Jewish cloud”

21. Will: “What’s a duet?” Brittany: “It’s a blanket.”

22. “I’m paralyzed with fear. I’ve been here since second period. I really need to pee.”

23. Will: “Who is Christopher Cross?” Brittany: “He discovered America”

24. “The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.”

25. “I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer. Nobody ever taught me how to read a calendar.”

26. (After Brittany announces she’s expecting a baby) Will: “Wait. Brittany have you been to a doctor yet? That’s the only way to be sure.” Brittany: “I don’t need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I’m not stupid. I’m pretty sure it was getting ready to bring my baby.”

27. (On the counselor) “She is the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping the bird in my locker”

28. (Mr Schue writes ‘Love’ on white board) “Ok guys I have one word for you” Brittany: “Is it love? I’m totally gonna graduate now!”

29. “Is God an evil dwarf?”

30. Rachel: “I want my allowance back!” Brittany: “You can’t. My uncle lost his job and he couldn’t afford food for his goat, so I spent the money on it. Well, sorta. The goat just ate the money.”

31. “Sometimes I forget my middle name.”

32. “It’s the Glee club with the football team… it’s like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.”

33. Quinn: “There’s a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black now.” Brittany: “That’s so racist.”

34. “Did you get a leg transplant?”

35. Will: “What’s a ballad?” Brittany: “It’s a male duck.”

36. (Will then pulls out a hat) Brittany: “I bet the duck’s in the hat.”

37. Brittany: “I really like when we make out and stuff.” Santana: “Which isn’t cheating because?” Brittany: “The plumbing’s different.”

38. “Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.”

39. “Rachel, I’m gonna give you some tough love right now. You’re not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don’t see what you’re wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.”

40. Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?” Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pant.” Will: “So close.”

41. “I don’t wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.”

42. “Remember: even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.”

43. “Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice starting living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.”

44. Artie: “We all know you can do it.” Brittany: “I know that I can’t. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.”

45. (On tater tots) “They look like deep fried deep poop.”

46. Kurt: “What are you going as for Halloween?” Brittany: “I’m going as a peanut allergy”

47. Artie: “I thought I was over someone, but I still think I have feelings for them.” Brittany: “The Clintons?”

48. Tina: “Last week we were too sexy, this week we’re too religious — we can’t win.” Brittany: “Now I know how Miley feels like.”

49. “Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.”

50. “Please don’t pull out all my teeth. I’ll look like an adult baby, but with boobs.”

51. Mr. Hummel: “If things get serious, use protection.” Brittany to Kurt: “Does he mean like a burglar alarm?”

52. “You’re pretty much the only guy in this school I haven’t made out with because I thought you were capital G gay. But now that I know you’re not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. Let me know if you wanna tap this.”

53. “I’ve been here since first period. I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time and I forgot how to leave.”

54. “I don’t know how to turn on a computer.”

55. “The way to get a man to follow you forever, take his virginity. Madonna wrote a song about it.”

56. “When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a ‘massage-onist’ (misogynist).”

57. Brittany: “You’re a really good dancer.” Finn: “Thanks, but my feet weren’t really dancing.” Brittany: “That was the best part.”

58. Santana: “Having sex is not dating.” Brittany: “If it were Santana and I would be dating.”

59. Mr. Schue: “Brittany, take it away.” Brittany: “Take what away?”

60. Rachel: “Where’s Quinn?” Brittany: “Probably down at the mall looking for elastic waist pants.”

61. “So, Hairography. It works best when you pretend like you’re getting tasered. So you just move your head around and pretend like you’re spazzing and stuff. You guys, it’s like cool epilepsy.”

62. “Your hands are really soft. Seriously, they feel like a baby. Now I know what it’s like to date a baby.”

63. Carl: “I will put you under anesthesia, you won’t feel a thing.” Brittany: “Like roofies?”

64. “Someday, I’m gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.”

65. Santana: “Everyone knows my job here is to look hot.” Quinn: “My baby hormones make me moody.” Brittany: “There’s so many words!”

66. “I’m more talented than all of you. I see that now. It’s Brittany…(pauses) bitches.”

So if you think reading these make you snort like mad, you should watch her execute those lines in her trademark deadpan nature. Oh don’t we all just looooove her!