What Ringtones Say About Your Ass (Accompanied By Angels)

by KV

It’s 3pm, 7 hours on the dot since the meeting kicked off, with no end in sight. Tensions are high as a group of important-looking asses are engaged in a heated, endless, suffocating debate that consists of many jargons that you don’t really need to know about except that a lot of ka-ching is involved. Someone breaks a sweat. Someone else shifts his colossal ass uncomfortably. On one end a lanky bloke gulps down a bottle of Evian water to quench a little of his exhausted throat thirst, getting ready to launch another tirade against the other belly-overload guy on the other end of the table, most eager to tell him that everything about him is wrong. The belly-overload guy stares back at him, ready to receive & fire back an onslaught of rebuffs, also secretly sniggering underneath because he’s been screwing that lanky bloke’s vivacious wife for years now & the lanky bloke has no idea. But I digress. In short, it’s a typical shitty meeting of a bunch of important-looking people.

Then, someone’s cellphone starts ringing. Oops, he forgets to silent his phone, so the whole room hears a hilarious Russell Peters shout “Be A Man!”, then switching to “Somebody gonna get hurt real bad tonight” blaring out of those miserable iPhone 4 ass speakers. Bam! Tension’s gone. Everyone snorts. “Shit that ringtone’s funny. This dude’s wacked awesome!”, you’d think.

Same situation, instead this time it starts with the “Everyday I’m shuffling” of LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem”. Immediately this goes into your mind – “Oh, pretty cool song. Probably would bump into him in Zouk on Fridays.”

Imagine the same situation again. Now you hear a baby giggling uncontrollably. You go “awww…so cute.”

Last case scenario. Any song cut from that insufferable kid named Bieber. “*explitives* LOSER” flies straight through your mind. Right?

Suffice to say a ringtone, or any type of notification blaring from your phone inadvertently subjects you to some sort of judgement of your own personality by those unfortunate enough to have experienced the decibels. A quick browse through CLEO & online sources & here I’ve done a quick 5 minute summary (quoting from the sources & adding a lil of  my own words too) of the types of ringtones & what they say about oneself. So, which are you?

Oh yea, on a totally unrelated but still related topic, I’m just going to be posting images of Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2011’s backstage moments in random in this article. Simply because my mind keeps switching back to those leggy stunners, aren’t they much more interesting anyway?

Back to the list. Here goes!

1. Silent

You are probably the strong & silent type, in addition super-considerate above all else that your personal calls do not bother anyone. Which probably means you are a workaholic.

2. Default (a.k.a. those Nokia tones)

Either you are too busy for your own good, or this reveals your inability to keep up & master technology. Oi don’t know how to change ringtone kah?!

3. Animal Sounds

You’re a prankster who loves those dumbfounded looks on people when they hear the mating sounds of a group of horny monkeys. Or, you’re into bestiality.

4. Chart toppers

You see life as a popularity contest & yourself as a social butterfly. Popular jams have mass appeal & as much as you don’t admit or would like to pretend otherwise, you like to be liked.

5. Hip-Hop, R&B with some Obscenity Thrown In

You are those with some passive aggressive social issues who love putting on a swagger, often seen talking or tweeting about the week’s shenanigans. Boss probably won’t be able to take you seriously when Akon whines about “wanting to fark you” from time to time. You may also need counseling in your near future.

6. Heavy Rock or Pop

You’re on the nervous side, you like the big city, and you just hate feeling trapped. You tend to move quickly, but don’t always consider the consequences. You drive a sports car or a funky truck, and you drive it pretty fast.

7. Movie or TV Themes

You most likely do not have enough drama or challenges in your own life. Or you are running away from your own life.

8. Country, Soft Rock or Oldies

You’re a romantic—a nostalgic, with a keen sense of rhythm. You like to dance (or would like dancing if you’d ever bothered to learn). You would rather be a follower than a leader, and you are charitable.

9. Jazz

You are an explorer, both anxious to try new things but with a little patience thrown in.

10. Classical Music

You’re a genius with impeccable tastes! Or that’s what you’d like people to think. You aren’t fooling anyone into thinking that you’re a connoisseur of the finer things in life.

11. Custom-made ringtones

You have a unique personality, an entrepreneur of originality. You don’t follow the crowd, but dance to your own drummer. It is also highly likely you are mostly a swaggering egoistic leader with big balls.

12. Themes from either Sesame Street, Star Wars or ICQ

You think you are all retro, vintage coolness, but you are just a Big Bang geek. Not a bad thing though, you may have a Penny waiting for you somewhere out there.

13. You Change Your Ringtone A Lot

You have Attention Deficit Disorder. Fickle, undependable & bored easily. At work, you’re that dude that always checks out early, & in life, you’re that dude that goes through a woman a day (or attempts, & fails miserably, to do so)

14. Justin Bieber

You’re a loser who does not belong on this planet. (fine, I made this one up completely on my own)

So! Let’s see what my current diagnosis is.

1. Main general ringtone: Coldplay feat. Rihanna’s “Princess in China”, which I personally rearranged heavily to fuse only the best parts together. A yet-to-be released-on-the-radio track that is a curious concoction of modern pop between 2 unlikely artists, which falls somewhere in the likes of no. 13 & 6…I’m a swaggering egoistic unique leader with big balls who drives a sports car or a funky truck.

Dang, so close.

2. Personal favourite contact ringtone: Santana+Mercedes with Glee’s version of “Someone Like You/Rumour Has It”. Um, a little bit of no. 4, 6 & 7? I’m a social butterfly that drives a funky truck running away from my own life. Har har.

3. SMS ringtone 1: StarCraft Terran Command going “Bleep! Nuclear launch detected…”. Nerd alert!

4. SMS ringtone 2: Coldplay’s “Life in Technicolor II (Prospekt’s March)”. I seem to own many funky trucks.

What’s yours? Stop cheating, & don’t you even dare change that Bieber ringtone of yours…(insert violent evil laugh here).

This is just bonkers.